Ugly Confessions of a Stay at Home Mom

Let me start off by saying, I know there are so many Stay at Home Dads. So this is for you as well. 

I sit in my daughter's room filled with anxiety, exhausted, and to the point of tears because I have no clue what to expect tonight. Daily thoughts that go through my head:

• Will she sleep through the night? 
• Will she get up? 
• How many times do you think she will get up? 
• Why is she 8 months old and still has issues sleeping through the night consistently? 
• What am I doing wrong?  
• Am I doing a good job?
• Am I a good parent? 
• Will I always be able to protect her and keep her safe?
• What happens if she gets hurt? Chokes on something? Falls? Will I be able to react and save her?
• Why is she crying? Is she hurt? Why can't I figure out what's wrong with her? I'm her mother, I should know, I'm failing!

I finally get her to sleep and think, I should probably go to sleep so if she wakes up, I have some rest. But I haven’t had a chance to unwind yet. So if I sleep, I’ll soon wake up and be back to taking care of her. I don’t deserve time for myself, I don’t bring in money so I have to prove my worth in the home. But I don’t function well with no sleep. I’m easily frustrated, inpatient, and annoyed. What do I do?!

How many mothers feel and think this way daily? There are days I feel like I have this mom thing down packed. I feel accomplished throughout the day and like what I did in her life mattered. Then there are days where I don’t feel like I am or have done enough. I feel like with the few moments in between revolving my life around my daughter, I should find a part time job to bring in an income. Because why do I deserve time for myself, right? I feel guilty sitting down to watch a movie, taking a nap, or doing anything for myself. Because the last thing I want to top off my day is for someone to walk in on me watching a show and assume this is “the life” or what I do is easy. Why do I feel guilty when I workout in the mornings? Don’t I deserve something for myself? Does being a SAHM mean we have to be on the go 24/7 in order to have value, or loose ourselves completely into our family until we no longer recognize who we are anymore? That everyones happiness and overall health come above ours?

See at the age of 21 I entered my first managing role and by 29 I was finally the General Manager within a company. I finally was on the career path I wanted and I let it go to stay at home and raise my daughter. The thought of someone else raising her or dropping her off at a daycare gave me nightmares. So I decided to let my career go and start a new one. Title: Stay At Home Mom (SAHM). I was proud of the role I was in at work. I knew I did well and I made a difference. I had bosses and team members that confirmed that to me daily. I brought home decent checks. I knew my income made a difference in my home. I knew I was valued. Or at least that’s how I felt.

I now have one “employee,” my daughter, and no one to provide words of affirmation for the job I do. I take my daughter’s smiles as her "thank you's" but hearing those words would go such a long way. I no longer bring in a check yet I can work 12 hours or more on a daily basis. Vacation? What is that? Vacations are so people disconnect from their “jobs” and relax. When and where do I disconnect? I can never leave my job, turn my job off in my head, or feel like I don’t have to worry. On the contrary, a vacation makes my job 100x harder. So much so I miss being home. However, I then feel guilty because I’m not enjoying the vacation the way the people around me want. So I work harder. Make sure I can keep up a front, keep working, hold in my frustrations, and smile so my family doesn’t stress that I’m having a bad time. All while secretly yearning to be home so my daughter can fall back into a routine that she so badly fell out of while on vacation.

Why isn’t becoming a SAHM something college teaches you? A course or two you can take to prepare you for the emotional, mental, and physical journey you will enter when taking on this new job. Something to teach you how not to feel alone in this process. Because man, you can feel so lonely. A course men can take so they know how to support their wives on this journey. Can anyone agree with me that schools should teach courses on mental health, how to manage and invest your money, and how to be a decent human being? Because as much as I have used the formula to find what the radius of a circle is in my life (I hope you can feel my sarcasm in that) I think these courses would take us so much further.

We feel judged by everyone around us who devalue what we do by the comments they make. We feel guilty for wanting to invest time in ourselves because we don’t bring home a check. How can we fill a home with love and joy when we don't feel any of that for ourselves? Am I selfish for keeping my happiness my number one priority? We feel guilty asking for help because this is our “job” and according to the outside world its not that hard, right? Everyone around us have careers. So what are we doing asking for help when they get home. They just worked all day and now need time to unwind, rest, and reboot....but don't we need that also? Why can't I have a bad day without people thinking I am over reacting, or simply don't have the right to have a bad day because what I do is easy? So I have to live for my daughter, make sure I stay happy for everyone else happiness, and never take my days for granted. A formula made for disaster. Instead of feeling like we are beneath them, I wish we were made to feel different but equally important and valued.

To think I want one more kid! Some days I’m all for it and then others I’m so happy I’m taking precaution to not have anymore at the moment. I love my daughter with every ounce of my existence and would move mountains for her without hesitation. Yes, I know I am blessed for being able to stay home. But please don't think this was by accident. To arrive at this point in my life took years or preparation, saving, and planning. It did not happen by mistake and I am sure that is the case for many families. So when we hear "must be nice" from people who assume we are living the life, know that it is taking everything from us to not snap back "it's not my fault you didn't plan and now live the life that you do".

Simply put, this job is hard. We have to learn the job description by ourselves with no guidance. We often feel shamed for how we feel so we keep to ourselves because we don't want others to think we are ungrateful. Here are some words of advice for people who are not SAHM:

• Have compassion for us. 
• Do not make us feel like we are beneath you in any way. 
• Do not devalue what we do especially when you have no idea exactly what we do in a 24 hour day. 
• Don't offer unwanted and inexperienced advice. 
• Provide words of encouragement and affirmation. 
• Ask "how can I help you"? 
• Don't try to "fix" us. We are not broken, simply exhausted. 
• Hug us. Even if we are not huggers (like me) hug us. If feels good. 

By no means does this mean I regret becoming a SAHM. I wouldn't change it for the world. And when I get to experience special moments in her life that I otherwise would have missed if I was working, it makes it all worth it. If I could do it again, I would pick this life again and again and again. This is simply the ugly truth and confession about what this job entails. The sacrifices a parent makes to stay home, the challenges and struggles we have, and the unmeasurable love we have for the little people we change our lives for to raise.

To all Stay at Home Parents, be proud of everything you have done. All your sacrifices, struggles, and rough patches make a difference. And if no one has told you today...you are amazing and you are doing a GREAT job.